The Inner Workings of Hiei
by SpookyChild
Summary: A series of ridiculously short episodes in which Hiei examines his pathetic obsession with Kurama.
1. Spilled Milk

The Inner Workings of Hiei: Master of the Third Eye

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

**Author's Notes:**

Okay, this is basically just an idea I came up with, and I wrote the first three chapters in one day. This isn't supposed to be great literature or hilariously funny, just something I felt like writing. I don't even know why I'm writing this story; I don't even like Kurama and Hiei as a couple. I'm much more for the Elusive Couple (private joke) Yusuke and Hiei. But, I'm kinda writing this for my sister, even though she hates this story. She's all, "Hiei's so pathetic!" and I'm like, "Yeah, that's the point." Mwahaha, I am evil and write numerous stories. Go me.

**Disclaimer:** No.

**Summary:** A series of ridiculously short episodes in which Hiei examines his pathetic obsession with Kurama.

Episode One:

Spilled Milk 

My name is Hiei.

I am a fire demon. I have the Jagan, or Third Eye, in the middle of my forehead. I am a master of swordsmanship.

And also, I do not love Kurama.

Just because I'm sitting in his seat at his kitchen table, using his favorite bowl and his favorite spoon and eating his favorite cereal does NOT mean I'm in love with him. Just because I think about him every minute of my waking hours and dream about him every night does NOT mean I'm in love with him. Just because I stole one of his jackets just so I could smell it does NOT mean I'm in love with him. Just because every time I'm with him I feel like doing something stupid, like singing or kissing trees does NOT mean I'm in love with him.

Shut up!

Okay, okay, I admit it. So I have the _tiniest_ crush on him. But that's all it is, a crush. A mere notion, that if I were to spend the rest of my demonic life just holding his hand, I would die happy. So, yeah, just a crush. Nothing more.

… Okay, that is all just a blatant lie.

I mean, have you _seen_ him? He's all pretty! And the way his hair does that thing, and the way his clothes smell like that stuff, and the way his…eyes… twinkle like those twinkling things…in the sky… and the way his hands are, like, there, and the way his legs… do… that… thing… And don't get me _started_ on his hips. The way they move, like that thing… that moves…

Oh god.

I need a fresh bowl of cereal. Mine's all soggy.

I think Yusuke knows I like Kurama. He leaves little, subtle hints, the way he's always like, "Guess what, Kurama? Hiei's in love with you!", and, "Hey, Hiei! Why don't you just marry him already?!" You know, _little_ things like that.

Pssh. What does he know? Well, obviously a lot…

Anyway, enough of that, I must get some more yummy Cocoa Puffs goodness.

As soon as I stood up, Kurama's front door opened and… well… Kurama entered. He hung his coat up on the hook in the hall, and then spotted me. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Hiei, what are you doing here?"

I stood there, frozen, trying to come up with an excuse. And then, one came to me. I threw my cereal up into the air and started screaming like a banshee. I darted past him, knocking into the bookshelf and causing its contents to collapse on top of me. Kurama just stood there, blinking, and I started screaming again and scrambled up, scurrying out the door and slamming it behind me. I leaned up against the frame, breathing heavily.

"Woo, that was a close one."

**End**

This isn't a spectators sport, people. Review or die trying. Peace.

**-SC**


	2. The Affair

**The Inner Workings of Hiei: Master of the Third Eye**

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

**Author's Notes:**

**Disclaimer:** No.

**Summary:** A series of ridiculously short episodes in which Hiei examines his pathetic obsession with Kurama.

Episode Two:

**The Affair**

I pressed my face into the window, sighing exasperatedly.

There it was. The fur coat. The _fox_ fur coat. I had been coming to this store for six months, ever since they put it up, and have stared at it for hours, until one of the workers would come and shoo me away. And today was no different.

Except for one thing; I was going to go into the store.

I stepped in, hearing the tinkling of the bell as I opened the door. The store clerk barely paid me any attention, merely glancing at me before going back to his magazine. The boutique was fairly small, probably only a hundred square feet, and I had no trouble finding the coat.

I almost squealed with happiness. It was so freaking _pretty_, and it was all soft and nice. It felt like Kurama's hair. I ran my hands over it a few more times before casting a sneaky glance behind my shoulder. The cashier man was still reading his magazine, and a nearby saleswoman was talking an over-weight woman into buying a yellow dress.

I gently lifted the coat off the hanger and smelled it. Ah, it was all scent-y and nice. And it kind of smelled like Kurama, if I closed my eyes real hard and thought about what Kurama smelled like, and replaced that smell with what the coat smelled like.

And then I hugged the coat to me.

I sighed and dropped to the floor, giggling and rolling around. The coat was all _soft _and stuff; kind of like what Kurama would probably feel like if he was still in Fox mode. I hummed to myself and pressed my face into it.

"Um, sir?" The saleswoman was standing over me, but I didn't pay attention to her. I was mixed up in my coat fantasies. "Er…" She reached down and picked the coat up; me still all clingy. She raised an eyebrow and turned to the man at the cash register.

"Fred? Yeah, call the manager. He's back."

So, I was thrown out. But I was still so happy, lying on the ground outside the boutique, hugging myself and smiling like an idiot. The people on the sidewalk cast worried glances at me, stepping over me on their way to wherever the heck they were going.

Oh well. Don't care. Until my familiar, redheaded Lust Bunny peered over at me.

"Hiei? Are you okay?"

I froze for a moment before slowly getting up, brushing off my pants. I gazed at Kurama mildly.

"…I am." I said, before turning around and running away, pushing people out of my way. I didn't stop running for two hours, and I ended up spending the night with an elderly woman who insisted on calling me 'Todder' and kept feeding me dried figs.

I went back to the store the next day. It was gone.

"Aw, crap."

Inevitably, my love affair with the coat had to end.

**End**

This isn't a spectators sport, people. Review or die trying. Peace.

**-SC**


	3. Ice Cream

**The Inner Workings of Hiei: Master of the Third Eye**

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

**Author's Notes: **People are actually reading this story? If I had known they would, I would have made this a heck of a lot better...

**Disclaimer:** No.

**Summary:** A series of ridiculously short episodes in which Hiei examines his pathetic obsession with Kurama.

Episode Three:

**Ice Cream**

Today, I had a mission.

The mission was simple: ask Kurama if he felt the same way about me that I felt about him. But, I was going to do it very sneakily, like a ninja, or something else that… was… sneaky. Whatever.

The idea came to me one day when I was in Kurama's kitchen in the middle of the night, drinking French Vanilla coffee creamer straight from the carton. I was in a weird, sort of lactose-induced stupor, and I thought, "Wow, I'm going to ask Kurama if he likes me… and then… I will know." And then I think I passed out, I don't really remember...

So anyway, now I was going to his house to ask him. I pushed open his window and found him sitting at his desk, reading.

"Kurama?"

He turned towards the window. "Yes, Hiei?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

I climbed into the room and sat down on his bed- _on his bed, oh my god_- and cleared my throat.

"Um, I need to ask you something." He continued to stare at me and I felt uncomfortable. "Err, I'm in love with… ice cream." I said, hurriedly. Kurama raised his eyebrow.

"Well," he began, seeming to think this over, "That's okay, ice cream is a very addictive food."

"But I don't know if… ice cream… loves me back." I continued. Kurama stared at me again.

"Umm…"

"I want to know ice cream's feelings, but I'm afraid he'll reject me. But I still want to know his feelings, even if he doesn't return mine… ice cream, that is." I looked at Kurama expectantly. He sat there, obviously confused, mouth hanging open a bit.

"Erm," he began, stuttering slightly, as if trying to find the words, "I don't think ice cream _cares_, Hiei." He finally said.

Okay, now I'm pissed.

"Just what is _that_ supposed to mean?!" I shouted, jumping up. Kurama blinked.

"Um, Hiei, I was just saying… Ice cream doesn't have any feelings."

"You're damn right he doesn't!" I yelled, stomping over to the window. "I'm getting the hell out of here!" I noticed one of his shirts tossed carelessly over on his bed. I slowly picked it up, glancing at him. "…And I'm taking this with me." I stood there a moment longer before taking a ridiculously dangerous dive out of the window.

Okay, so the mission failed. But at least I stole one of his shirts.

**End**

This isn't a spectators sport, people. Review or die trying. Peace.

**-SC**


	4. New Years Eve, or Project: Teddy Grahams

**The Inner Workings of Hiei: Master of the Third Eye**

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

**Author's Notes:**

God…this story… I don't know why you people like it. It must be pure witchcraft. Anyway…um…in case you haven't noticed, it's all extremely out of character. Yeah. Like you haven't noticed.

**Disclaimer:** No.

**Summary:** A series of ridiculously short episodes in which Hiei examines his pathetic obsession with Kurama.

Session Four:

**New Year's Eve, or Project: Teddy Grahams**

It was the Spirit Detective's idea to have a New Years' Eve party. And, it was also his idea to invite all of his stupid little 'crew'. Myself and Kurama included.

I'm going to punch Yusuke in the face.

He's currently over there talking with Kuwabara about some stupid joke. "So, there are these two sausages in a frying pan," Yusuke began, already laughing, "and the one sausage turns to the other and says, 'Hey, is it hot in here or is it just me?' And the other sausage says, 'AHHH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!" Yusuke, Botan and Kuwabara immediately burst out laughing, like a couple of idiots. I shuddered.

"Hey, I've heard that joke before!" Kuwabara laughed, clutching his sides. "Only, whenever I've heard it, it's about apples roasting in the oven!"

That would be funny. IF ANYONE ROASTED APPLES IN THE OVEN.

"Idiots." I muttered, walking away towards the punch table. It was covered in bowls of…well…punch… but it also had these little things called Teddy Grahams. I picked one up and sniffed it, before setting it on the edge of my punch cup. I cast a sneaky look behind my shoulder before smirking.

"Grr. My name is Hiei." I murmured, wiggling the little cookie…bear…thing. "I am ten kinds of awesome. I do really cool things." I picked up another Teddy Graham and perked in next to the other one. "Hello Hiei, I'm Kurama." I made my voice go higher now. "I think you are so dreamy and radical, and I like you more than the other Reikai Tantei. Every likes you more than the other Reikai Tantei. One day, you're going to be the ruler of the Makai. Anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves." I giggled, and wiggled the Kurama-cookie. "Oh Hiei, I love you so much! Kiss me, gorgeous!" I cried, making kissy noises at I pressed the Teddy Grahams together, cackling insanely.

"Hiei?"

I was suddenly very aware of the silence of the room around me. I froze, turning around and facing…

"K-Kurama." I squeaked. He gave me an odd look and opened his mouth, as if to say something, before Yusuke burst in with a loud shout.

"Hey, everyone! The ball is about to drop! Everyone has to kiss the person closest to them!" He announced.

"Hiei, are you alright?" Kurama asked.

"FIVE!" Yusuke cried.

"Oh…um…fine." I answered, shifting a little.

"FOUR!"

"It's just that you've acting strangely towards me, as of late." Kurama said softly, moving forward.

"THREE!"

"Oh, really?" I stammered, suddenly aware of how close he was to me. I swallowed.

"TWO!"

"Yes, and I would really like it if we could…talk…" His voice was right next to my ear, and I could smell the shampoo he used…

"ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

I felt the full weight of his lips against mine. I dropped my punch and Teddy Grahams. It only lasted a moment before he pulled away, smiling at me. The entire room was full of people laughing, some kissing, but most were looking at us.

"Oh, Hiei! You animal!" Yusuke shrieked, doubling over as his hysterical laughs racked him. But Kurama was still so close… I began to shake horribly. Kurama frowned and came closer, peering into my eyes.

"Hiei? What's wrong?"

Eep. I was officially panicking. I stood there a moment longer before dropping to the ground, vomiting, and then running out the door.

Okay, okay, so New Years' Eve was pretty cool. Although, I'm never looking at Teddy Grahams again. And I'm going to try not to throw up in front of Kurama anymore.

That would probably be a plus.

**End**

This isn't a spectators sport, people. Review or die trying. Peace.

**-SC**


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